I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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