Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
