I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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