Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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