It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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