i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
