my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
