i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
