somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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