Already got asked if we're dating
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
