Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
