Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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