Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
