Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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