Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
