i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
