How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
