Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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