Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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