I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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