God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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