just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
