Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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