Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
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I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
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I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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