i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
