I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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