thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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