franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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