I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Randomize
