I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
