Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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