could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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