Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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