When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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