my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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