After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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