Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
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