i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
