last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
