My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Please, let me fuck your mom
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
