She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
