My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I didn't notice because vodka
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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