I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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