I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
