My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
