The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
