The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
