I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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