just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
