can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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