3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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