Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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