I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
