working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
