he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i've created a new STD.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
