I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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