Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
