and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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