I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
