This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
