Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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