At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
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It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
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LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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